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<\/p>\r\n\u201cHow\u2019d it go for you?\u201d Chan called across to my boat. \u201cOhhh,\u201d I hedged, \u201cI was a little farther left than I mea\u2014\u201d<\/p>\r\n
\u201cZero or one?\u201d Tanner emphatically interrupted. He was drifting between us in his Dagger RPM Max, long twin braids sticking out from the bottom of his helmet. \u201cHuh?\u201d I asked, confused.<\/p>\r\n
\u201cZero or one. It\u2019s binary. Which was it?\u201d<\/p>\r\n
Hesitantly I admitted, \u201cA one?\u201d<\/p>\r\n
<\/p>\r\n
It felt foreign in my mouth. I was physically uncomfortable announcing my success in such a definitive way. I don\u2019t think about success in a black-and-white way. I\u2019m an overthinker, and I tend to subject even the good things I\u2019ve done to the burden of my critique, twisting nuance or reflection to find where and how I could have\u2014should have\u2014done better.<\/p>\r\n
\u201cDarn right!\u201d Tanner shouted before paddling off like the mystical (if slightly unhinged) sensei he would become.<\/p>\r\n
I met Tanner five days before. He seemed normal when he showed up in my driveway in Boise. He was thoughtful and inquisitive on the drive to Flagstaff. When we got on the water, though, Tanner transformed. His boisterous personality eclipsed his 6\u20195\u201d frame. On day two, he showed up at the chair circle wearing purple snake-skin dress shoes, a tie, and a tweed blazer. He even had a briefcase, which he clicked open to reveal a stash of Coors Banquets. I was never certain when he was joking; Tanner either had me staring in disbelief or in stitches.<\/p>\r\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/d2kl15j267vxtq.cloudfront.net\/duct-tape\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/11143206\/Tanner-Casey-Pagels-100x100.jpg\")
<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/div><\/figure>![\"\"](\"https:\/\/d2kl15j267vxtq.cloudfront.net\/duct-tape\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/11143226\/Tanner-in-Granite-Erik-CarlsonJPG-100x100.jpg\")
<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/div><\/figure>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\r\nIn many ways, Tanner and I are opposites. To start, I\u2019m only 5\u20194\u201d, and costumes make me self-conscious. He embodies several characters, seamlessly interchanging between them. I am painfully myself. He is fun and funny. I am serious. Tanner is not worried about much. I am worried about everything. This is why, at the bottom of House Rock Rapid, the first major rapid on the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon, I was bent on a robust analysis of my line.<\/p>\r\n
I had wanted my downstream ferry angle to slice our boat toward the right shore to avoid the chompy mess of hydraulics on the left. We did not come as close to the shore as I had optimistically hoped. Instead, we flirted with the waves coming off the hydraulics. We weren\u2019t in danger of flipping, but it was the most on edge we\u2019d been yet; my heart had lurched as we instinctively leaned toward the high side. After the rapid, I felt I had failed because it wasn\u2019t perfect. With Tanner\u2019s assessment strategy, it was. It was a one: a victory.<\/p>\r\n
\u201cI like that,\u201d Hailey mused from the bow of my boat. \u201cThere\u2019s no in-between. What counts as success suddenly gets a whole lot bigger.\u201d<\/p>\r\n
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<\/p>\r\n
As I pondered this, my heart started to feel a little less tight. My brain wanted to replay the moment we rose up on our right edge. You could have pivoted your boat angle to the left, then we could have hit the wave straight<\/em>, I thought.<\/p>\r\n Instead of detailing what went wrong, Tanner\u2019s question forced me to look at the big picture. Was everybody safe? Yep. Were we upright? Sure were. So, what was I all bent out of shape about? What if going up on our edge and not flipping was fun instead of bad? I mean, at the very least, even my brain could admit it was exhilarating.<\/p>\r\n Changing how I measure success certainly isn\u2019t a one-trip fix, but Tanner\u2019s \u201cZero or One\u201d paradigm planted the seeds for a significant reframe. Our 30-day trip offered ample time to practice.<\/p>\r\n Hailey, Courtney, and I shared my boat from Lee\u2019s Ferry to Phantom Ranch. We were a boat full of high-achieving brainiacs who love to learn. Neither of them had been on a river trip before but were not strangers to analytical thinking\u2014or overthinking. As they learned to row flatwater all the way up to Grand Canyon Class V rapids, the binary framework proved helpful.<\/p>\r\n Above Nankoweap, Courtney approached a partially submerged boulder. The current was piling up. She could either turn and pull away from the boulder or push and pivot off of it. As the boulder zoomed closer, her oars fluttered with indecision. She decided a little late, and we ended up lightly tapping the boulder with our stern.<\/p>\r\n Courtney let out a big sigh, \u201cI should have piv–\u201d<\/p>\r\n \u201cOp!\u201d Hailey interrupted, channeling Tanner, \u201cZero or one!\u201d<\/p>\r\n \u201cThat was a one,\u201d Hailey and I confirmed in unison.<\/p>\r\n During the 12 days we spent sharing the boat we ended up calling \u201cThe One,\u201d we considered Tanner’s philosophy. Courtney reflected on how she constantly evaluates her actions (a notion that deeply resonated with Haley and me). \u201cI am so focused on whether I did something ‘correctly’ that I often forget to enjoy the process and the smaller steps along the way,\u201d she mused.<\/p>\r\n As we reinforced evaluating our successes with a pass\/fail mentality, Haley noted, \u201cOur anxious brains are inundated with racing, fragmented, and fleeting thoughts. This binary decision-making helps eliminate the distracting and unnecessary. It helps us redirect our energy and quiet the noise.\u201d<\/p>\r\n The mantra permeated our thinking beyond the river as we shared about our lives, too. When I told stories from teaching and ended them by saying, \u201cI wish I would have\u2026.\u201d or \u201cIn hindsight\u2026\u201d, they reminded me I didn\u2019t need to solve every problem public schools face to have been a successful teacher. They mirrored back details from my stories, saying, \u201cThose sound like ones.\u201d When any amount of overthinking, anxiety, or self-criticism seeped into a discussion, someone inevitably freed the other with a gentle reminder, \u201cZero or one?\u201d<\/p>\r\n We found the paradigm was helpful from the significant to the mundane. Did I burn the potatoes a little? Yeah, maybe. But I got breakfast made, and people happily ate it. Sounds like a one. Did I facilitate that group activity with as much poise as I wanted? Definitely not. But I did it, and people had fun. One.<\/p>\r\n This isn\u2019t to say there aren\u2019t varying degrees of success. We know what it\u2019s like to absolutely nail a line. To feel your blades get perfect purchase on green glass, to propel yourself over the crest of a wave and powerfully cruise downstream. There\u2019s ecstasy in placing your boat right on the green seam.<\/p>\r\n A Zero or One philosophy doesn\u2019t take away this joy or minimize those golden moments of perfection, it just means that the absence of total perfection<\/em> is no longer a failure. It is an unequivocal success.<\/p>\r\n After Haley and Courtney hiked out, I tried to channel their voices. Their support had given me the freedom to accept my actions and the outcomes. While scouting Upset, I felt my brain revert to overthinking each possibility for failure. I wanted to go right. I\u2019ve always gone right. I felt safer going right; you can see the line from the scout, while the left is difficult to see from shore.<\/p>\r\n \u201cWhich way you going, Jazz?\u201d Tanner asked me. He is not about the right line; he loves going left.<\/p>\r\n I hemmed and hawed. \u201cI don\u2019t know!\u201d I agonized, feeling torn. He\u2019d been trying to sell me on the left line since our drive to Flagstaff.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you like about the left line?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\r\n \u201cIt\u2019s fun,\u201d he said simply.<\/p>\r\n I stopped short. Boating is rarely pure fun for me. I\u2019m not sure when it stopped being that way, when the pressure to prove myself and the pressure of achieving the aforementioned \u201ctotal perfection\u201d took priority over the search for pure joy.<\/p>\r\n I asked myself, \u201cWhat happens if I go left?\u201d Under Sensi Tanner\u2019s rules, it would either be a zero or a one. Most likely, it\u2019d be a one.<\/p>\r\n I went left. I have no idea if I found the slot or if I rode the seam exactly how I wanted. But it was splashy, and Fiona whooped in the bow of my boat. I smiled as adrenaline poured through me. \u201cIt\u2019s a one, it\u2019s a one, it\u2019s a one,\u201d I reminded myself through the tail waves.<\/p>\r\n Downstream, I ended up center when the burble line above Lava Falls had less right momentum than I anticipated. A hole I hadn\u2019t meant to be near stripped my oar from my left hand. Somehow, it ended up under my leg with upward momentum, which catapulted me off my seat. I caught actual air. It certainly wasn\u2019t my cleanest run through Lava, but that was no longer part of my assessment. It was pass\/fail and I had passed. I laughed because it was silly. And because I had fun.<\/p>\r\n After the trip, Courtney told me, \u201cAs a complete newcomer to rafting, evaluating every little move I made was pointless. The reality was that none of the moves I made were perfect. Yet that was ok. Despite finding myself stuck in yet another eddy, with a zero or one mentality, I could still find the beauty in the canyon and the joy of being with friends.\u201d<\/p>\r\n There is beauty and joy in the canyon\u2014and life; how wonderful to revel in it.<\/p>\r\n At times, Tanner might have been a bit of a loose cannon (skipping scouts and shouting \u201cfive minutes to groove\u201d before<\/em> breakfast), but he reveled in the fun. He taught me to allow myself success. Haley and Courtney helped me to rejoice in those successes. I haven\u2019t fully mastered it (something tells me I\u2019ll never feel like I have), but it\u2019s worth the practice. With those little successes, I watched as Haley and Courtney’s confidence on the oars grew, my grin mirroring Tanner’s as we celebrated ourselves without the need to qualify our joy.<\/p>\r\n If you ever find yourself pulled into analysis or worry, try to ask yourself instead: was it a zero or a one? Try to eliminate the noise. Redirect your focus onto what matters. Let go of perfection. Because when you stop overthinking, it creates the conditions for fun to flourish.<\/span><\/p>\r\n Oh, and don\u2019t forget to surround yourself with friends who will tell you with love and certainty, \u201cThat was a one.\u201d<\/p>\r\n\n\t\t\t\t![\"\"](\"https:\/\/d2kl15j267vxtq.cloudfront.net\/duct-tape\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/11143217\/Tanner-and-Kyle-Courtney-Ngai-100x100.jpg\")
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<\/p>\r\n\n\t\t\t\t![\"\"](\"https:\/\/d2kl15j267vxtq.cloudfront.net\/duct-tape\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/11143053\/Haley-Learning-to-Row-Jasmine-Wilhelm-100x100.jpg\")
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<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/div><\/figure>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\r\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/d2kl15j267vxtq.cloudfront.net\/duct-tape\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/11143330\/View-from-Patio-David-Chan.jpg\")
<\/p>\r\n\n\t\t\t\t![\"\"](\"https:\/\/d2kl15j267vxtq.cloudfront.net\/duct-tape\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/11143145\/Nautaloid-Beau-Fitzke-100x100.jpg\")
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<\/p>\r\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/d2kl15j267vxtq.cloudfront.net\/duct-tape\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/11142929\/Bass-from-above-David-Chan-100x100.jpg\")
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<\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/div><\/figure>![\"\"](\"https:\/\/d2kl15j267vxtq.cloudfront.net\/duct-tape\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/11143320\/Teaching-and-Learning-David-Chan-100x100.jpg\")
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